Absolute Bullshit

"Hi, I’m Dani with Absolute Poker, I’m here to invite to you play with me at one of the biggest and best poker destinations in the world..."

and the worst support I have ever seen. As you guys know, I moved some money over to Absolute Poker to take advantage of the Nevada Jack's chip set promotion. In order to get the chip set I have to play 400 raked hands. Now the question becomes, how do I figure out how many raked hands I've played? Let's find out...


From: Huck <***@gmail.com>
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: support@absolutepoker.com
Date: Jan 20, 2006 9:48 PM
Subject: Hands played
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Hi, I did a promotion with PokerSourceOnline.com which consists of me playing 400 raked hands and getting a free gift. I was hoping you could tell me if you guys have the ability to look up how many raked hands I have played, and if so, what that number is.
Thanks,
ColdE

and here comes the response:


From: support@absolutepoker.com
Mailed-By: absolutepoker.com
To: <***@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 21, 2006 1:24 AM
Subject: RE:Hands played [#1839376]
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Dear John,
Thank you for your email.
Let me inform you that you have a total of 4 raked hands, remember that for Multi table tourneys, please note that the tournament fee is now collected as a 9% of the total of the prize pool and that Pending points will be based on the fee collected rounded up to the closest whole number. For example a $10 tourney will generate $0.90 in fees, and will earn 1 point.
tournament buy in $10 - 1 pending point
tournament buy in $20 - 2 pending point
tournament buy in $30 - 3 pending point
tournament buy in $50 - 4 pending point
For the single tournaments, 1 point will be awarded for each $1of tournament buy in fee. (Awarded upon tournament start.)
For tournament buy-ins, examples would include;
$2 + $0.25: No points will be given because $0.20 is the fee and is less than $1
$10 + $1: 1 point will be given because the fee is $1
$20 + $2: 2 points will be given because the fee is $2.
1 point will be awarded for each raked game (minimum rake of $0.50) you play (for the ring games).
Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!
Sincerely,
Alfonzo
Team Absolute ~ Customer Support"Continuing to be the Best and Most Trusted"Support@AbsolutePoker.com

You're here for me huh Alfonzo? Well then let's try this again...


From: Huck <***@gmail.com>
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: "support@absolutepoker.com"
Date: Jan 21, 2006 3:02 AM
Subject: Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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I'm a little confused, I played 1/2 and .50/1 fixed for somewhere between 2 and 3 hours if I'm not mistaken, if you can explain to me how that translates into only 4 raked hands, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks,
ColdE


From: support@absolutepoker.com
Mailed-By: absolutepoker.com
To: <***@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 21, 2006 5:07 AM
Subject: RE:Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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Dear John,
Thank you for your email.
In order for you to verify that, you will need to go thru all the games you played. To retrieve the tournament numbers and hand number you have to go to the main lobby, my account, then hand history, after go to open my hand history files, then click on the top left corner where it says open and you will be able to se all the folders with the respective nick names of the players that have played in that computer and in each folder you will be able to retrieve the hand history and tournament numbers that you need.
Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!
Sincerely,
Alfonzo
Team Absolute ~ Customer Support"Continuing to be the Best and Most Trusted"Support@AbsolutePoker.com

So you want me to count this shit myself, what, pray tell, do they pay YOU for then Al?

Here's where is begins to turn into great comedy...


From: Huck <***@gmail.com>
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: "support@absolutepoker.com"
Date: Jan 21, 2006 3:42 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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Alright let me ask a better question then. What consititutes a "raked hand" according to your site?
ColdE

Now this question the actually answered, if I chose to sift through 5 paragraphs of bullshit... FORM LETTER ALERT!


From: support@absolutepoker.com
Mailed-By: absolutepoker.com
To: <***@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 21, 2006 4:35 PM
Subject: Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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Dear John,
Thank you for contacting us.As compensation for offering fair and honest games, Absolute Poker receives a commission, or rake. This rake is a 5% of the pot in each hand, never exceeding $3. It is our policy not to charge a rake if there is no flop ("no flop no drop"). Any hand that has generated a rake is considered a raked hand.
You will generate points (Current Points) from any hand where there is a rake of at least $0.50. In order to collect at least $0.50 on a hand the pot should be at least $10.00, considering that the rake is a 5% of that pot. Each hand where this requirement is met will be awarded with 1 Current Point. The Pending Account balance will be released to your available balance in increments of $10.00 for every 100 points.
You will also accumulate points for playing tournaments. For every $1 that you pay in Buy In FEES you will generate one point (The entry fee takes the place of the rake).
In Multi Table Tourneys, the fee is a 9% of the buy in.
Example: If a Multi Table Tournament has a buyin of $10, the buyin fee will be $0.90. In this particular case we round up to $1.
Tournament fees will round up after $0.50, meaning that if you play a tourney where you pay $1.80 in fee, you will get 2 points, if you pay $1.51, you will get 2 points, if you pay $1.45 you will get 1 point and if you pay less than $0.50 in buyin fee no points will be awarded.
On Single tournaments the Buy In FEE is shown separately from the Buy in.
Example: $10.00 + $1.00. In this case you will receive 1 point, since the Buy In FEE is $1.00.
Please note that for both Multi and Single table tournaments the points will be credited when tournament starts, not upon registration.
I hope I was able to fully explain to you how the system works. If there is anything else that I can help you with, please feel free to let me know at any time. It will be a pleasure to assist you!
Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!
Sincerely,
Paulo
Team Absolute ~ Customer Support"Continuing to be the Best and Most Trusted"Support@AbsolutePoker.com


From: Huck <***@gmail.com>
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: "support@absolutepoker.com"
Date: Jan 21, 2006 5:12 PM
Subject: Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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So am I correct to assume that when I go to the cashier window, the number next to "current points" underneath my "pending account" is the amount of raked hands I've played?


From: support@absolutepoker.com
Mailed-By: absolutepoker.com
To: <***@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 21, 2006 6:15 PM
Subject: RE:Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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Dear John,
Thank you for contacting us.
We are always glad to help. Regarding your question, the answer would be a no, because you will also accumulate points for playing tournaments. For every $1 that you pay in Buy In FEES you will generate one point.
Thanks for playing at Absolute Poker! If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know. We're here for you!
Sincerely,
Paulo
Team Absolute ~ Customer Support"Continuing to be the Best and Most Trusted"Support@AbsolutePoker.com

Ok, wow, it was at this point I began to tire of this quickly. I decided I'm going to remove my money from this site as soon as I get to the 400 hands for the chips, now the question is whether or not I'm even going to complete the promotion. I was about 2 more e-mails away from just saying fuck it and pulling my money off immediately.


From: Huck <***@gmail.com>
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: "support@absolutepoker.com"
Date: Jan 21, 2006 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Re: Hands played [#1839376]
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Ok, I don't play tournaments, I play ring games, all I want to know is how I can tell how many raked hands I have played, I don't want an explanation of your rake structure. I've emailed you guys back and forth quite a bit on this topic and have not gotten a straight answer. I am beginning to become very frustrated, please just answer my question if you wish to retain me as a customer.

Sincerely,
ColdE


From: support@absolutepoker.com
Mailed-By: absolutepoker.com
To: <***@gmail.com>
Date: Jan 21, 2006 7:07 PM
Subject: RE: Hands played [#1839376]
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Dear John,
Thank you for contacting us.
We are sorry for the inconvenience. The only way for you to get how many raked hands you've played is to ask us. And you've played 98 hands.

That's great... that's phenomenal... thank you so much... Since you did such a great job answeing my question maybe you could answer one more for me...

WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T YOU GUYS JUST TELL ME THAT THE FIRST TIME?

As soon as I get my 400 raked hands and have been confirmed by Pokersourceonline, I'm off this site, and I'm guessing one of the reasons they jerked me around so hard is because a lot of people have said that exact same thing.

- Huck